I wasn't always confident in myself.
When I was younger, I believed you either had confidence or you didn't. It never occurred to me that confidence was something I could actively create.
A combination of anxiety, desperately wanting to fit in and spending far too much time worrying about what people thought of me, meant my confidence levels, for the most part, were pretty low.
And when my phobia of sick began to get worse as I entered my teens, my low self esteem increased and I felt terrified of the world.
If someone spoke to me before I’d had time to rehearse a response in my mind, I’d panic and spend the entire conversation worrying that I’d said the wrong thing or convincing myself that they’d think I was a complete weirdo. Or worse, rude.
Just before my 21st birthday, I had a massive wake up call when I was nearly fired from my job for calling in sick so often.
I knew I needed to make some drastic changes to my life and my mindset and as I started to push force myself out of my comfort zone, my confidence started to steadily increase.
Soon I realised that actually, I did have the power to change how confident I felt.
With my newfound confidence, I went from being too afraid to leave the house, suffering with daily anxiety and weekly panic attacks to quitting my 9 to 5, backpacking solo and starting two online businesses.
Without confidence, I’d still be hiding in my bedroom, terrified of the world, feeling lonely, miserable and frustrated that my life was shit compared to everyone else's.
Confidence is the key to achieving anything in life
Whether that’s starting a business, going to a gym class, showing up online or simply having the courage to ask the person you fancy out for a drink.
It's also important to mention that you can be really confident in some areas of your life and less confident in other areas. It doesn't mean that you're not a confident person if there’s something you lack confidence in.
For example: I’m confident in myself, in showing up on lives, in being visible but I’m not very confident when it comes to public speaking or networking events. That’s an area that still needs some work.
And that’s ok.
So what is confidence?
The Cambridge English Dictionary defines confidence as “the quality of being certain of your abilities”.
Now for me, being confident means being able to drown out the noise from others, listening to my gut instinct and intuition over other people's opinions, trusting that I am making the right decisions and still loving myself when the shit hits the fan (as it so often does).
Being confident, to me, is a combination of trusting and believing that I’m always doing the right thing.
Your definition of confidence might be completely different and again, that’s ok.
Whenever I talk about increasing your confidence, it’s important you increase your confidence to the point where you feel confident in yourself based on your definition of confidence, not based on what other people tell you.
Make sense?
Before I share with you what confidence means to 13 other people, take a moment to answer these journal prompts:
What does confidence mean to me?
How do I feel when I’m at my most confident?
What changes about the way I act, think and speak when I’m feeling confident in myself?
The more self aware you become, the more you can start to slowly work on increasing your confidence and pinpoint the areas where you perhaps feel less confident or recognise the habits/actions that impact how you feel about yourself.
What confidence means to other people
A while ago, I asked a group of friends “What does being confident mean to you? Or what comes to mind when you hear the word 'confidence'?”. Here’s what they said:
Being confident to me is knowing exactly what I want, saying no to what I don't want, having faith in my vision, not trying to hide in the shadows, not melting away in group settings.
Strength and serenity.
It means doing things that I want or need to do, without being held back by fear, limiting beliefs, doubts etc. It doesn't mean I don't have those things going on, but I choose not to let these things stop me.
Feeling clear and sure of myself, even when others don’t agree with my point of view.
Having an unwavering knowledge that I can handle x, y, or z.
Feeling self assured and not having self doubt. Having ultimate belief that I know what I’m doing and have the experience and expertise to back it up.
Confidence means strength or power. Able to conquer anything.
Feeling empowered and secure about the way I feel about myself.
Confidence radiates without overwhelming or intimidating. Confidence can be so subjective, and so triggering when witnessed in others and perceived wrongly. Confidence means knowing your worth.
Confidence to me means doing something you're not scared of, just grabbing it and doing it without thinking about it! It's an aura and a feeling of knowing that you can do anything when you put your mind to it whether that's body, mind, business etc.
A deep knowing that you are speaking your truth. Certainty from within and not from external sources. Being sure of yourself.
Confidence to me is knowing what you are talking about and getting things done with integrity.
Confidence to me is doing something even though you might be nervous or have fear about it. Dr Russ Harris says “The actions of confidence come before the feelings of confidence” in his book called The Confidence Gap. I’ve experienced this numerous times. When I commit to something and take action, others tend to view me as confident (and courageous often) even though I don’t usually feel confident at the time. For me my feelings of confidence really only come from hindsight and looking back on my achievements with perspective. I’m trying to embrace my wins more in real time remembering to #pauseforapplause but it doesn’t come naturally to me.
We can see similarities in what each person says and, I’m sure you’ll agree, it mostly boils down to believing in yourself, saying yes to the things that scare you, being brave and not worrying about what people think.
Would you agree with these definitions? Are they similar to what you wrote down?
Where are your confidence levels currently?
When it comes to achieving anything in life, it’s good to have a starting point. If your aim is to increase your confidence, it’s important you gain clarity around the following:
What confidence actually looks like to you (you answered the above prompts - check ✔️)
Where you currently are in terms of your confidence: I like to create a scale from 1-10. You can do this for multiple areas of your life (i.e. in your relationship, at work, managing money, etc) or you can do it as a whole. Having a starting point enables you to monitor your progress as you work towards your goals.
How you’re going to take action towards increasing your confidence: As with any goal, it’s a good idea to create a plan for the action you’re going to take. This doesn’t have to be overwhelming or a jam-packed list. Simple things like read a weekly article on confidence building (hi!), listen to podcasts around mindset, repeat affirmations daily or spend 15 minutes a day journaling.
(see below for journal prompts to help you)
When you have this overview of what you want to achieve, where you are now and how you’re going to achieve your goal, you can begin taking action. And this applies to any goal you set.
Another great way to begin taking action is to answer this prompt in your journal:
How will my life change when I commit to working to increase my confidence?
This will empower you and motivate you to commit to yourself, commit to your actions and start your journey to increase confidence and self esteem.
Each week, I’ll be sharing tools, tips and techniques with you to help you create more self confidence. I’d love to hear from you in the comments and if there’s a particular question you’d like me to answer or a topic you’d like me to cover, drop it below.
If you’d like to have a 1:1 session at the Confidence Clinic, you can do so here.
Journal prompts in one place:
What does confidence mean to me?
How do I feel when I’m at my most confident?
What changes about the way I act, think and speak when I’m feeling confident in myself?
On a scale of 1-10, how would I rate my confidence levels?
Why have I scored this number and not the number above or below it?
What action(s) can I take to increase it to the next number?
Write out an empowerment list: 15 Things I could do to increase my self confidence. Once you have this list, choose an activity each day to complete. To make things more fun, you could write each activity on a piece of paper, fold it up and place it in a jar. Each morning you can then choose an activity at random.
How will my life change when I commit to working to increase my confidence?
Rebecca Hawkes is a Confidence & Life Coach. If you’d like help increasing your confidence 1:1, go here to book a session at the Confidence Clinic. You can visit Rebecca’s website here and follow her on Twitter here. Enjoying Rebecca’s content but don’t want to commit to a monthly subscription? You can buy her a cocktail to show your support here ☕️